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Welcome to CJM, New User! - A Non-Official Guide to Your Potential Assimilation

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~Dr Juice~

Jan 1, 1999
Victoria B.C.
Welcome to CJM, New User! - A Non-Official Guide to Your Potential Assimilation

How you managed to wade ass-deep into this forum is a question best left unasked, but here you are. Ultimately, this is a place to waste time, as are most places on the internet, but stick around and you'll learn something useful. Maybe even make a friend or two along the way. We're not always terribly nice to one another here and frankly, we don't have to be. There are literally thousands of over-moderated, lovey-dovey AAS forums out there where you can have your ass kissed and massaged by other members as if a 50-word story about injecting your ass was Pulitzer-worthy. Users will be nose-deep in your crack telling you that your wax-on-poetic tale of poking your body would shame Manet. If that is what you're seeking: you won't find it here; run, as fast as you can; do it now. It'll save you a lot of time, frustration and e-masculation (<--yeah, totally just made that up).

Here's some advice to help get you oriented in CJMland:

Learn your audience – You're not going to wade in here and “wow” members right off the bat, no matter how awesome you think you may be. You're here to entertain us and by proxy, yourself, so please do so effectively.

Grow thicker skin - No one here owes you any slack and you haven't earned any yet. If something you post is truly god-awful, we're going to tell you about it. It won't be pretty, either. It may [it will] get brutal and very personal. But unless the words or sarcasm start flying out of your screen and lacerating your face, we're harmless (and you need a new screen and/or house).

No link posts - This isn't twitter, goddamnit. If you want us to follow a link, you'd better damn well tell us something about it. Clicking links on CJM used to guarantee you a ass-reaming (or worse), so you have to convince us you're not just being an asshole.

Mockery can be the sincerest form of flattery here - If your post has been hijacked for a bandwagon, you have achieved instant acceptance. revel and bask in it, friend. If you start whining about it, you lose ..... and the mockery will only get worse until you collapse like a dying star.

Trolls will be trolls - Yes, we have trolls here, just like every place else. They will like you when everyone else is against you. Then, as soon as you start becoming accepted (if there is such a thing in this place), they'll turn on you. They're like that. Sometimes they'll not like you for any reason, real or imagined. It's what they are and what they do. Have fun with them or ignore them. Just don't take them seriously. Ever.

You can't see constructive criticism for what it is if your ass is chafed by a few “Die in a fire” comments - Truly, this is just an extension of “Grow thicker skin”, but deserves to be approached separately. Several members here give good advice. If you're getting booed off the stage, there might be a reason for it. Try seeing if anyone actually suggested improvements and try them. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Bad grammar and misspellings can and will be construed as reflecting glaring psychological/physiological deficiencies in yourself - If you're writing about a particular topic, it needs to be readable. There will be true Grammar Nazis and then there will be others who just want to understand what the hell you were trying to write. And if you're too goddamned stupid or lazy to use one of the thousands of spellcheckers out there (many of them free), just don't even bother. But on the same token, we have several English-as-a-second-language members. They are exempt from this rule and given the Golden Pass.

When in doubt, tack a pretty/cool/interesting picture on the end of your post - It doesn't even have to be relevant. We're relatively simple cretins here; a picture goes a long way. Fair warning, though: A picture by itself better be pretty fucking awesome if there's no text to go with it. If not, the textual slaughter will commence.

There is a level of CJM awesomeness that you can't achieve through hard work and sacrifice in the gym - Once your soul has been crushed, shredded and reformed by us into something unspeakable and close to indescribable, you may finally be accepted here. At this point, pretty much anything you post will be generally well-received. The accolades will rain down upon you with glorious showers of "Likes" made of blueberry cotton candy. Angels will sing and there will be much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments among the troll-people. This is CJM-Nirvana, and there is no higher mountain for you to climb. You will need this, for once we've hollowed out the very core of your being, only positive integers and disingenuous encouragement from faceless strangers will fill the void.

So . . .

So, come on in, the water's fine (just don't ask about the smell) and have some fun. You might be surprised by how fun and informative this place can be.

This guide isn't comprehensive by any means. Chances are that we'll change the rules on you as soon as you think you have them figured out. Bottom line, suck it up, skate it off and post something that blows us away. More importantly, don't give up. No one can actually hurt you here. We can hate you mercilessly, but we can't hurt you.
Sep 27, 2012
Bad grammar and misspellings can and will be construed as reflecting glaring psychological/physiological deficiencies in yourself
Bad grammar and misspellings can and will be construed as reflecting glaring psychological/physiological deficiencies in yourself

Ha! Yes! Ps. I would copy-paste this a million times more, in every thread.
Nov 30, 2013
Definitely fall under bad grammar...

Also not thinking before posting, I am like the son the father didn't want.

Good post, probably should've read it earlier

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